[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

The Squatter of Amon Rûdh rises from his place on the public benches and opens an enormous briefcase that lies by his feet. It is on wheels. He extracts a folder labelled 'Grievances: General'; it is huge, and he strains visibly as he tries to lift it.

Squatter: If it please the court, I should like the following to be entered as evidence. I have here a three-volume edition of The Lord of the Rings and transcripts of the theatrical releases of The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers with my annotations. I have also all three volumes of the first edition, which I respectfully submit for the swearing-in of witnesses.

From the yawning maw of his briefcase, he takes a smaller box. Opening this, he removes three smaller perspex boxes containing the precious volumes. He passes these to the Clerk of the Court.

Squatter: My Lord, I have prepared a detailed and exhaustive examination of the themes of the book and their parallels in the films so far. Might I be permitted three days of the court's time in order completely to cover all of my accusations in detail?

Lord Justice Lindil: You may have an hour, Mr. Of Amon Rûdh. The court's bandwidth will sustain no more.

The Squatter extracts from the briefcase another two folders entitled 'Grievances: marketing' and 'Grievances: accuracy'. He launches into his analysis. The rest of the court immediately falls asleep. Even the Right Honourable Lord Justice Lindil is seen to nod in his judicial chair.

Squatter: Point one of 235,000, Section A, subsection i, part 1, paragraph 1: that the accused, in expending much screen-time on battle scenes, did knowingly and wilfully ignore anti-war themes in the original story. An examination of these follows, and may be found in Appendix I to this material.

Point one of 235,000, Section A, subsection i, part 1, paragraph 2:...

A doctor and two orderlies enter the court as discreetly as possible with a wheelchair. They subdue the Squatter and administer a sedative before strapping him into the chair

Doctor: My apologies to the court, but my patient is still much affected in his mind and is in no fit state to appear in a court of this nature without much further therapy. I have here my signed declaration that he is of unsound mind, and another declaration to that effect signed by my colleague, Dr. Schadenfreude. I have also a signed declaration from the Institute's chief of security to the effect that my patient escaped from our care only this morning.

He submits these documents to the Clerk of the Court and the orderlies wheel the Squatter from the court. The briefcase is left behind, for possible further humourous use.

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 1:15 PM December 13, 2003: Message edited by: The Squatter of Amon Rûdh ]