[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Well, as many of you know already I'm currently campaigning for deification on the grounds of deserving it more than those bone-idle Olympians. Consequently the idea of what to do with god-like powers has been on my mind for some time, and I can now reveal the top ten things to do in Amon Rûdh when you're Eru:

10: Gravity is too consistent. Make its strength and direction random and switch it off at arbitrary times of the day.

9: Cause Mount Doom to spew forth clotted cream fudge at an inconvenient moment.

8: Cause the dead to rise, force their way into people's homes and eat all of their biscuits.

7: Cover the various mountain ranges in flock wallpaper, varying the colour to indicate the number of goblins currently in residence.

6: Cause Anduin to run with wine of Dor Winion. Do so during an official swimming contest

5: Change everyone's first language each day. Make no attempt to synchronise the languages of people in the same country.

4: Landscape is too convenient for Dark Lords. Make the flock-wallpapered mountain ranges migratory.

3: Give the normally innocent pipe-weed an added narcotic kick

2: Two words: tartan oliphaunts

1: Nothing. If I were Eru I would already have made the entire universe, and would be feeling a bit knackered. Also, if I go to all the trouble of creating a load of creatures to be my companions I want them to pull their weight. Why should I, a hypothetically omnipotent being, have to wallpaper my own mountains? If I were Eru, there would always be someone else to do it for me.