The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum - Lord of the Rings Rules!!!

hey! Check out these jokes I made up from different lines of the movie:

"LotR Jokes That Will Tickle Your Funny Bone"
By Thálindlorien Silverstone

Scene 1 - Narration at Beginning of Movie

Narrator: ~speaks in Elvish~ The world has changed.
Narrator: ~speaks in Elvish~ I can feel it in the bathtub.
Narrator: ~speaks in Elvish~ I can feel it in the sink.
Narrator: ~speaks in Elvish~ I can smell it in the toilet.
Narrator: ~drains sink and tub and flushes toilet~ Much that once was is now lost! ~laughs evilly while watching the water disappear~

Scene 2 - Gandalf Returns to the Shire

Frodo: ~hears distant singing: The road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began...~ That must be Gandalf! ~gets up, drops book, and runs. reaches Gandalf.~ You're late!
Gandalf: Am not! A wizard arrives precisely when he means to! ~sticks out tongue~
Frodo: You are to late!
Gandalf: Am not!
Frodo: Are to!
Gandalf: ~after continuing this childish arguing for a while, turns Frodo into frog~ Never argue with a wizard! They always win! ~sticks froggy Frodo under wheel of wagon and runs him over~

Scene 3 - Frodo's Hole

Gandalf: ~walks into Frodo's hole~ Is it secret? Is it safe?
Frodo: ~looks at Gandalf~ What are you talking about?
Gandalf: The Ring! Is it safe?!?
Frodo: Oh! The Ring! ~talks to himself~ Now where has it gotten to?
Gandalf: Well?!? Is it safe?!? Is it secret?!?
Frodo: It uh... It sorta went bye- bye.
Gandalf: ~ looking angry~ What are you saying?!?
Frodo: It fell down the drain when I was brushing my teeth.
Gandalf: NNOOO!!!!! Middle-earth shall meet its doom!
Frodo: Why? No one shall ever find it in the sewer.
Gandalf: Fool of a Baggins! The servants of Sauron work in the deep places of the sewers!
Frodo: ~smiles innocently~ Heh heh.

Scene 4 - Sam's in the Window

~the sound of snipping is heard outside~
Gandalf: ~pulls Sam in from the window~ Confound it all Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?!?
Sam: ~looking scared~ I haven't been dropping no eaves, sir, honest. I was just trimming the grass out of the window there, if you follow me.
Gandalf: A little late for trimming the verge, don't you think?
Sam: I heard raised voices!
Gandalf: What did you hear? Speak!
Sam: N...n...Nothing important! That is I heard a good deal about a ring and a dark lord an.... And something about the end of the world, but please Mr. Gandalf, sir, don't hurt me! Don't turn me into anything inorganic!
Gandalf: ~grins slyly~ No?!? Perhaps not. How about a nice, ORGANIC apple! ~waves staff and turns Sam into an organic apple. stuffs it into Frodo's bag.~
Frodo: That'll be a nice, juicy one!

Scene 5 - The Prancing Pony

Merry: ~walks back to table with large mug (note: it's only half full, but Pippin does not notice that)~
Pippin: ~drooling~ What's that?
Merry: This, my friend, is a pint!
Pippin: It comes in pints?!?
Merry: No, but I've wanted to say that my whole life!
Pippin: ~looking angry~ Dang you, Meriadoc! I wanted a pint! ~bursts into tears~

Scene 6 - Weathertop

Frodo: ~wakes to the sound of his three, whispering companions~ What are you doing?
Merry: Tomatoes, sausages, nice, crispy bacon!
Sam: We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: ~stomping on fire~ Put it out, you fools! Put it out!
Ringwraith: SSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCHHH HH!!!!!!!!!!
~four hobbits run to edge of hill~
Frodo: GO!
~four hobbits run to peak of Weathertop looking very scared. A Ringwraith appears~
Frodo: ~gasps~
~other three hobbits turn around~
Ringwraith: ~in a whispering voice~ Give up the bacon, halfling!

Scene 7 - Under Caradhras

Legolas: ~sees something far off~
Sam: ~sees what Legolas is looking at~ What's that?
Gimli: Nothing. It's just a whisp of clouds.
Boromir: No it's not! It's an evil shadow!
Aragorn: Nah-ah! It's a flock of crows!
Frodo: It is definitely birds.
Merry: Indeed it is not! It's a plane!
Pippin: What's a plane?
Merry: ~suddenly realizes what he said~ I... I don't know. ~shrugs shoulders~
Pippin: Well, if you don't know what a plane is, it's not a plane! It is not birds, it's not a plane, it's Superman!
Legolas: Crebain from Dunland!
Aragorn: Hide!
Gandalf: ~while hiding, talks to Merry and Pippin~ Where do you come up with this stuff?!? Planes? Superman? You are indeed fools!
Scene 8 - On Top of Caradhras

Frodo: ~trips, falls, and feels around neck. gasps~ The Ring!
Boromir: ~picks up ring and talks to himself~ Wow! I am holding the Ring!
Aragorn: ~places hand on handle of sword and gives Boromir an evil look~ Boromir! Give the Ring to Frodo!
Boromir: ~slowly steps backwards~ No! It is mine now! ~runs off~
Aragorn: Come back you fool!
~Aragorn chases Boromir to edge of a cliff, where Boromir trips and falls to his doom~
Aragorn: ~yelling after Boromir~ I told you to give it back! Now none of us can have it! ~sticks out tongue~

Scene 9 - The Great Battle of the Mines

~the sound of orcs is heard~
Legolas: Orcs! ~pulls out bow and arrow and shoots some orcs~
~a cave troll enters he room and walks to Frodo~
Frodo: ~remembering his mithril, smiles evilly at troll~ Hey you want a piece of me? Huh? Huh?
Aragorn: ~not knowing of the mithril, yells at Frodo~ Do not taunt the troll!
~Frodo gets stabbed~
Everyone except Sam: ~gasps~ Frodo! NO!!!!
Sam: It's all right. He's alive. Frodo is wearing mith-- ~cut off by phone ringing in Frodo's pocket. Sam picks up~ Hello?
Bilbo: Hello, Sam?
Sam: Yes?
Bilbo: Bilbo here. I was just calling to tell Frodo that he left his mithril in Rivendell. Could you tell him for me? He probably already knows, but I just wanted to make sure! *click* ~the phone hung up~

Scene 10 - The Broken Stairs

~company reaches broken stairs~
Legolas: ~jumps nimbly across~ Gandalf!
Gandalf: ~jumps across~
Boromir: Merry! Pippin! ~grabs the two hobbits and jumps across just as a piece of rock falls off~
Aragorn: Sam! ~tosses Sam across. looks at Gimli~
Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf! ~jumps and Legolas grabs him by his beard~ Not the beard!
Legolas: Okay. ~lets go of Gimli's beard~
~Gimli falls to his doom~

Scene 11 - The Mirror of Galadriel

~Frodo wakes to the sound of Galadriel's light footsteps. gets up and follows her to mirror.~
Galadriel: ~dips a pitcher into the waterfall and turns to Frodo~ Will you look into the mirror? ~poors water into bowl~
Frodo: What will I see?
Galadriel: Your reflection.

Scene 12 - Rauros the Waterfall

~the battle was fought and Boromir was sent down the waterfall~
Aragorn: ~thinks to himself~ Hee hee hee~ Six down, two to go! ~looks to Gimli and Legolas~
Legolas: ~pushing boat~ Hurry! Frodo and Sam have reached the eastern shore! ~trips on a rock, falls into boat headfirst, and knocks himself out. When he wakes, he is at edge of waterfall~ HELP!
Aragorn: Ta ta Legolas! Happy Landings! Say hi to Boromir for me! See you in the afterlife! Bwa ha ha! ~turns to Gimli~ The fellowship has failed! What say we join Boromir and Legolas?
Gimli: Duh... Okay.
~they walk to edge of waterfall~
Aragorn: On the count of three we jump! One... Two... THREE! ~doesn't jump and watches Gimli fall~
Nice knowing you! ~walks back to camp~ Yes! They are all gone!
Legolas: Hellooooo!!!!! I am back!
Aragorn: ~turns around and sees Legolas flying and carrying a boat with Boromir and Gimli in it~ AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the--
Legolas: Ha ha! Didn't know I could fly did you? Anyway, Boromir tried to tell us on the way down that he had only fainted, but we didn't hear him over the roaring waters. I found him on the way down, clinging to a rock. I put him in my boat and started flying back up, when Gimli decided to join us. Now we are all back!
Merry and Pippin: ~walking up to camp~ We killed all the orcs, but we would like to know why there was no effort to save us!
~everyone looks at Aragorn~
Aragorn: ~looking a little frightened by the angryglares~ What is everyone looking at me for?!?
Everyone: It is all Aragorn's fault! Death to Aragorn! Death to Strider! Death to Longshanks! Death to Ellesar!