What really happened (the Silmarillion)
 

I've seen versions of this kind of thing (humorous retellings of the Silmarillion) before: a (hilarious) thousand-word Silm on livejournal, an (also hilarious, but incomplete) one on council-of-elrond.com, and two that never got past the first few chapters.

But I've never seen one (well, besides the "1000 words" one) that covered a significant part of the book. Will I end up getting farther? (It seems unlikely.)

So, without further ado:

THE AINULINDALE (What Really Happened)

ERU: [ creates the Ainur ]

ERU: Good morning!

AINU #1: What's a morning?

ERU: Why, it's the first part of the day - you know, when the sun rises and all.

AINU #2: What's a sun?

ERU: Oh, right, that isn't due to be made for a few more Ages; sometimes being outside of time is a pain.

AINU #1: What's time?

ERU: ...OK, I guess that doesn't exist yet either. Forget it. Anyway...

AINUR: Yes?

ERU: ....let's play some music!

[ They do. Eru and the Ainur produce violins and begin playing a concerto. ]

ALL AINUR: Wow, a world!

VARDA: Oooh, stars!

NIENNA: How ... tearjerkingly sad... snifflesniffle...

MELKOR: Hey, dudes, listen to this! [ pulls out an electric guitar instead and begins playing ]

ERU: No, no, not like that! [plays violin louder]

LOYAL AINUR: [ play violins louder ]

MELKOR: This goes to eleven... [ plays REALLY REALLY loud ]

LOYAL AINUR: Ouch! [ cover ears ]

ERU: And, cut!

[Music stops]

AINU #1: That's for movie directors, not conductors.

ERU: How do you know what a movie is? They don't exist yet...

AINU #1: I guess it's that outside-of-time thing again.

ERU: Now, Ainur, look upon what thy work hath accomplished... OK, talking like that is tiring. Behold, lo, etc. The World!

ALL AINUR EXCEPT MELKOR: Oooooh! [ are awed ]

MELKOR: What's that world made of, Play-Doh? My pet hamster could do better!

ERU: You don't have a pet hamster.

MELKOR: How do you know? I might, mightn't I?

ERU: Omniscience, remember?

MELKOR: Oh, right.

(With apologies to JRR Tolkien - and to the makers of This Is Spinal Tap, for associating them with Melkor.)