Granted. Bilbo goes berserk and takes out six hundred and one warg, four hundred sixty four goblins, seventy two hobgoblings and a half an ork (only half, as another half simultaneously falls into a precipice, cut by its own scimitar by accident) single-handed. Also, being a perfect marksman after the fashion of his kind, he spits down seven hundred and three bats. The rest of the five armies are so amazed to see such a fury, they stay stupefied and do no more than gaping at one who was previously thought of as 'that burglar dwarves have'. After Bilbo is exhausted, the antagonists make a truce never to make war with hobbits nearby. Unfortunately, Sauron learns about hobbits and their importance earlier, bides his time until Bilbo The Furious (as he is known after the battle) turns 111 and leaves the Shire and moves his main force against the Shire instead of Gondor. Ring is captured, and despite Bilbo's last stand in Imladris, dark years return to Middle Earth...

I wish Queen Beruthiel would have had dogs

Your wish is granted. Beruthiel no longer keeps cats, but instead decides that she likes malteses and toy poodles better. Everyone knows what fabulously great and happy results had that change of history has wrought - her canine pets, and Fenny (My toy poodle, the only one white, set to torment the other dogs), unfortunately were more protective of their mistress than would've the cats, and therefore Queen Beruthiel didn't get exiled but continued to terrorize her territory until they were all wiped out by Rabies. The results were only fabulously great and happy to the Haradrim, the only race that lived to tell this tale.

I wish Manwe and Mandos and Ulmo waged war on each other.

Your wish is granted. They play Rock, Paper, Scissors, and Mandos wins. The losing two are kept in his halls until the end of Arda.

I wish Palantiri had remote controls

Granted. They now have remote controls so Saruman drives his around his room all day and night as he lost his remote control car years ago. He ends up killing Gandalf by leaving it on the stairs.

I wish Orthank was made of fangs, to go with the name Mount Fang.

ZAAP!! Whish Granted. Orthanc became Mount Fang and Mount Doom became Mount Zoom. Since Mount Zoom went so fast, it couldn't see where it was going and crashed into Mount Fang which brought it's early demise. Unfortunately, Mount Fang lost all appetitie for anything else and turned back into Orthanc, with Saruman imprisoned in it.

I Turgon would have been the first High King of the Noldor.

Granted. But he takes the phrase "High King" a little too literally and decided that he has to go on stilts all the time and his throne has to be suspended on a pole. He falls of after three minuets and dies.

I wish that Gandalf and the Witch King became best friends.

Wee! Now these two are best friends ever. However, as it is theoretically impossible to ever love anyone more than oneself, (Love directed toward another in in fact the sub-division of self-love that deals in giving metal pleasure to oneself by loving the other.) Gandalf IS Witch King, which, despite the immensity of this, does not change the fact that Frodo destroyed the ring, because fate governs mysteriously and this incident has been pre-ordained from the first.

I wish Sauron would come kill our president.

Granted. However, Bush is actually the remains of Sauron in this world(proof of this is a picture of him wearing a new "One Ring,") and so Bush kills himself at the end of his term and reforms sixty years later, wins the election, and becomes the president once more.


I wish Sauron didn't stupidly send his army out one werewolf at a time to face Huan.

Er, Bush isn't my country's president. In fact, he's our mortal enemy. :confused:

EDIT: Although, to tell the truth, I had wished the exactly same thing as your last wish when I read Unfinished Tales. Is he stupid, or what? Just swarm the dog over with a whole pack and there'd been no consquences.

Pop! Granted! He sends them out in one big group, accompanied by many normal villagers and Huan has to play an extra long W-W game before continuing the quest. Unfortunately, he's not very good at it and hangs Luthien on the first night.

I wish the three elven rings had not failed when the one was destroyed.

Granted. The elven rings keep their power. Unfortunately, this means that they have no ties to the one ring or any of the other rings and thus they are too weak to make a difference.


I wish the Barad-Dur crumbled the first time it was built because Sauron never put in the foundations when he should have.

G-g-g-g-g-g-granted! Barad-dur is falling down! Falling Down! Falling down! And so on. However, learning from his mistake, Sauron builds the tower bigger and better with foundations so deep that he wakens five hundred Balrogs and they all come into his service! :eek:

I wish Ents would ride on Oliphants.

OFF TOPIC: Er, whoever it is that gave me a negative rep for 'The Downs is not a place for political discussions or anything', exactly what of this post is political? I'm not complaining or anything, I just don't think this is a political post by just saying that Bush is not my country's president.

AND BY STUPID THING, I MEANT SAURON IN REGARDS TO 1000 READERS POST, WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN QUITE OBVIOUS IF ONE HAS ACTUALLY READ THE POST I WAS REPLYING TO!

Oh, dear, I think I should control my feelings. Why do people immediately assume that North Koreans are full of 'Our Father Kim Jung-Il the benevolent' and all that crap? +trembles with anger+

And your wish is granted! Ents take up oliphant riding and everyone in Middle-Earth is terrified of them. They just stomp and herd everything in sight!

I wish Peter Jackson had put a huge song and dance number into ROTK.

Wow! Gandalf makes fireworks the size of houses and your wish is granted! Jackson puts a huge song and dance number into the end of The Return of the King. It is sung by all the elves on the boat to Valinor! But everyone is so fed up with waiting for the end that they go around to Jackson's house and fill it with custard.

I wish more Hobbits would believe Bilbo's story and read the Red Book.

Yay! Now everyone believes Bilbo. In fact, now it is the rage in all the Hobbiton to purchase a 'leather-bound, brand-new copy of the Red Book, signed personally by Bilbo himself, now on sale - limited supply. Don't miss this chance!'. This fad eventually bankrupts almost all hobbits, (except for the illiterate and the already-broke) and the whole Shire territory is sold off to Lobelia Baggins (Illiterate) who eventually create a "Lob" dynasty over the said countryside.

I wish Faramir were only half-brother with Boromir, so that he could feel to scruple in killing him and taking over the throne instead of Aragorn.

Ah! Gandalf sees that this may be good, and so grants the wish. But however much Faramir wishes to kill Boromir, when it comes to it, Boromir kills him. Boromir then tries to kill Aragorn, but he kills Boromir. Aragorn then tries to kill Gandalf, but Gandalf kills him. Gandalf then decided to kill Manwe, but he kills Gandalf. Manwe decided to kill Eru, but he kills Manwe and Eru feels sad that he can't think of anyone to kill.

I wish Wromtong had a literal tong made from a worm!

And now he does! Problem is, its wriggling and twisting (not at all satisfied with its present location) so much that he can't produce one single line of understandeble speak. This makes him a very poor advisor, so Theoden decides to fire him. Actually literally firing him: he ties the poor man to one of Gandalfs rockets and sends him flying to the moon. There he met Tilion, whom he became a very goo friend with (both of them lacked of other friends) and all ended happily!

See, not every wish has to end bad!

I wish Sauron had a small, cute pet-puppy

Granted! Sauron is now the owner of Mitzy, an adorable little Yorkie. Or is it Mitzy who owns Sauron? The dog is so spoiled Sauron gives it Orthanc as a dog house and the White Tree of Gondor as a chew toy. Then one day Mitzy runs away and Sauron is so filled with grief he launches his assault on Minas Tirith.

I wish there was a course at my college that only taught stuff about Tolkien and his works.

Woooooooooooosssssssssshhhhhhhhhhm! The college now teaches Tolkienology. However, they teach it with such little enthusiasm that the lessons drag on for hours and hours until you go mad and turn into Gollum.

I wish Smaug had decided to be good.

Your wish is granted. But he decided to be good to Sauron and turned Rivendell into charred ruins. He was only killed when he called Sauron a Communist as a compliment. Sauron took offence with that because he was a Nazi.

I wish that Feanor hadn't listened to Morgoth's lies.

"Ah! Elbereth, Gilthoniel!" Cries Gandalf. Then, he grants thw wish.

Feanor doesn’t' hear the lies of Morgoth because he is deaf. He no longer becomes a craftsman and decides that he would rather be a taxman for reasons unknown to anyone. He refuses to learn sign language or lip-reading and so doesn’t comprehend anything and is thus exiled from polite society.

I wish Gandalf had got a new hat when he became Gandalf the white.

Granted! Gandalfs gets white sombrero. But with it comes ranch which needs looking after, so Gandalf settles down and becomes a cowboy. The Gondor armies are now supplied with perfect meat with Gandalf's G brandmark, they are well-fed, but leaderless, and they lose the war

I wish there were other titles in Sauron's service besides his 'Mouth', like, Nose of Sauron, Ears of Sauron, Armpit of Sauron and maybe even Buttocks of Sauron too

Your wish is granted. But they all quarrel over supremacy and career oportunities, so each body member promoted to be new Head lasts no more than two days. Eventually, least agile and clever Mouth is left to be Sauron's sole representative by the time of the war of the Ring.

I wish Thorin was less stubborn and would make an alliance with Thranduil during his captivity in Mirkwood

Your wish is granted. But an alliance of Dwarves and Elves slaughters Bard and his soldiers to recover the Arkenstone.

I wish Tolkien wrote more about Sauron's dealings with Saruman.

Your wish is easily done. It's pretty anticlimactic though; the pair of them just play endless games of golf.

I wish I possessed a first edition of the Noldolante.

Grudgingly granted. But when you possess the book, you find that in book form you cannot do a lot, not even read yourself and so you fall into despair.

I wish the Nazgûl had turned on Sauron and called him a nasty man.

Granted. They call him so and he falls into depression, eventually hanging himself from the Barad-Dur. The Witch-King becomes the new Dark Lord of Middle-Earth, and all hope is lost.


I wish orcs didn't smell so bad.

Your wish is granted. But since it is impossible to remove ork stench, the reformers chose to approach the problem from different angle. All the Free Peoples undergo nose-circumcision operation in the early childhood. Noselessness becomes hallmark of progress and democracy, and the custom is emulated by population of near Harad in the early days of Aragorn's reign. And though much beauty is lost forever when Legolas' nose is gone, new fashion of wearing mithril prosthetic nose-devices is introduced by him to Mirkwood haut monde...

I wish Beorn ate Bilbo

Your wish is granted. But the stomach ache was not the worst that happened to him. When the Dwarves figured it out they killed him with there axes.

I wish that Radagast had realized that Saruman was up to no good.

Your wish is granted. Enraged by Saruman's treachery Radagast calls in some favours with the Eagles, who launch a full-scale aerial assault on Isengard. However, Saruman's machinery succeeds in driving them off with heavy casualties, including Gwaihir. As a result the Eagles will not be able to aid Aragorn's army at the Black Gate and Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, Legolas and Gimli are all killed in battle.

I wish Varda would leave that spineless fool Manwe for Melkor

Your wish is granted. However, when they try to remove his spine, Manwe gets rather annoyed and asks them what they think they are doing. When he finds out, he is very upset and decided to go and sit in Taniquetil for a while before dressing Varda up as himself and leaving her at the gates of Angband.

I wish the Silmarills were too heavy for Melkor to carry.

Your wish is granted but due to their new weight he drops them and the land on yvanna killing her

I wish that Treebeard ruled Middle-Earth

Your wish is granted. However, the pressure of Middle Earth ruler takes its toll on old Fangorn and he decided to go around eating people until he explodes.

I wish the winged steeds the Nazgûl used were really stupid and kept trying eat the Nazgûl.

Your wish is granted. Unfortunately one of the steeds dropped the Witch-King into the Dead Marshes. He found Frodo, Sam, and Gollum and brought them to an Orc patrol after removing the One Ring. They all went to Barad-Dur, where the Hobbits were tortured for years. With the power of the Ring Sauron conquered all of Middle-Earth and ruled it for thousands of years.

I wish that Theoden had survived the War of the Ring.

Granted. Aragorn dies in his place, and without a brave and noble king to lead them, Gondor does not go to the Black Gate, thus causing problems for Frodo and Sam. Luckily, Rohan still goes and buys enough time for the ring to be destroyed, although Eomer and most of Rohan's army die in battle.


I wish that we knew more about the powers of the ainur.

Wish Granted! But upon hearing the distance calls of Ulmo's mighty horns his deep and terrible music most literally blows you and your fellow's minds. Or all at once we fall into a mighty, incurable depression while empathizing with Nienna, and Middle Earth becomes rid of Zoloft...thus making Frodo unable to function and/or destroy the ring of power. Poof! Sauron's back in action!

I wish to see an "All Elven" travelling circus act!

Children of all ages gather 'round! Valesse's wish has been granted!
Middle-Earth becomes home to an "All Elven" circus and Elrond is the ring master. Galadriel wows the crowd with her trained poodles. Celeborn is the lion tamer. Glorifindel is the tight-rope walker. And Arwen juggles Hobbits. It is quite the sight to see.

I wish it was possible to have Hobbits as pets.

Kitanna, I grant your wish. But, PAITH (Parents Against Ill Treatment of Hobbits) sue you in court for 100 million dollars for keeping them in a cage.

I wish Saruman invented snickers

Your wish is granted. But Saruman used the money to start a career in politics during which he was appointed director of Health and Human Services. But after a terrorist attack by the AGES, Anti-Genetic Engineering Society, which was secretly founded by Saruman, he became president for life. He was only stopped after Merlin put a spell on him that he could only tell the truth, but even so he was only defeated after a bloody civil war.


I wish that Fingolfin killed Morgoth.