Little orc: "Oh, yeah! Well can you do this!" *opens and closes nostrils*

Middle Earth's version of The Bachelorette...

Female Orc*: "Hmmm, you're not too bad..."


*No discussion on this topic please :p

Orc: This mirror isn't working very well.

Middle Earth's version of American Idol

Simon Cowell: "You call that talent? My cat sounds better when it's hacking furballs!"

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie compare the results of their cut-price trip to the Scunthorpe botox clinic.

Orc: i never wanted to help make Uruks... i always wanted to be a Lumberjack!

Orc: Wait a minute, something's not right..... Did you take a bath?

Orc 2: Ummmm......

Orc: You know the rules! 1) no jewelry 2) no whining 3) NO BATHING.....

This Orc is simply baffled at how long it's been since an uncloaking joke! :eek:

big orc: No, but I can do this.*licks own eye*

Secrets of Middle-earth part 32.

Here we see proof that Orcs are just peeled Elves.

Orc: And don't you be using that dry British wit on me!

Uruk: Oh I wouldn't dream of it.

The Orc stares intently at the new picture...

http://img-nex.theonering.net/images/scrapbook/6697.jpg

The Shelob's lair tourist department sent out their best mime to meet Sam.

OR

The Sam Gamgee waxwork model needed a little adjusting before the public could see it.

PJ: Then after I told Charlie Sheen he wasn't going to be Frodo he wanted to get into a fist fight so I said okay let's dance.

or

PJ: Okay to win this tug-o-war I will be the anchor and I will have stage hand# 5 tape your wrists so as to strenghten them up a bit.

Sam: (thinks) Oh where I want to shove this Light of Earendil right now.

PJ could demonstrate all he wanted, he wasn't selling his new Shelob-Aid Exercise Routine to Sam...

~ Ka

PJ: "Just pump your arms like...this...a few times a day and you'll end up with a decent bust. See."

PJ: Row, Row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

OR

PJ tries to war Sam about the new gang of vicious pickpockets.

PJ: Now that Boromir has been killed off, think I can be Disco King?

OR

Samwises Gamgee made the wrong turn in Cirith Ungol, and some how managed to wander into a Tae Bo lesson.

PJ: no no no! its side-step, side-step pivot, left, right, left, pivot, do you want to make the Volcano God mad!

Sam: I came all the way to the top of the mountain in search of the guru of knowlege and I get this?

Sam: Sorry, but I don't really share your enthusiasm for calisthenics.

Peter Jackson was not heavily favored to make it to the Finals of Middle Earth's Dancing With the Stars...

PJ: "And if boxing doesn't work bite off his ear like Mike Tyson did."

A scene from the film Crouching Hobbit, Hidden Director.

OR


PJ: Check out this sweet new cloak of invisibility I've got in my hands.


OR


Peter Jackson demonstrates the choreography for the now-famous "Hokey Pokey Scene" of The Return of the Disco King.

Right Sam this is the awkward bit, when you put on the ring you will become invisible, so I am going to have to show you how this invisible bow works, oh and by the way I've changed this bit of the story also, the ring turns you ivisible but not your clothes, how are you at uncloaking really fast?............

PJ:Right this is your bow... wait a minute, wheres it gone???
(Tolkien pureists sneaking off the side):hahahaha we will stop you ruining LOTR!!!! Sam had no bow!!!
PJ: :mad: :mad: :mad: I'm the director here!!!

PJ: ... so then I took him by the arm and said, "you'd better get back here you" and then-

Guy: Erm, Peter, you've been talking for 5 hours now... and I cant' find Sean's pulse.

PJ: "Maybe if we built this giant wooden badger..."

Peter Jackson (on his encounter with the weta): ....so I grabbed that bug off my leg and shook him real hard. And then I said to him, "Crawl up my shorts again and I'll be sure to squish you and your entire family!" And then-

Sam: Enough with the story, Pete. Dom already told me you screamed like a little girl.

Crew member: Not only screamed- he also ran away like one too...

PJ: Yeah, I needed both hands to carry all of those complaints letter after what I did to Tom Bombadill. Just wait until they see Shelob's dance routine.

Sam: :eek:

OR

PJ: I've got a shiny sixpence for the clever chap who can tell me which hand it's in.

Just as PJ is about to step into action he notices Sam's not playing.

PJ: "What's up with you? If you accuse me of tampering with the ball again, I'm going back to the pavilion!"

PJ tells about a prank he just made with Cate Blanchett

PJ:. . . and then I pulled her pants, like this. . . .

PJ demonstrates how he wil operate the giant Shelob robot.

PJ: Ok, Round 4 now, you're not doing bad, just hang in there. Stay fast and stay alert for that stinger...jab and move, quick, jab and move.

PJ tells of his forays in the square ring, when as a youth he was slightly slimmer and a bit fitter

PJ: I went to the centre of the ring and threw a left then a right, followed by a swift uppercut. Then this other bloke got in the ring and I thought, what the hell does he want. Well he hit me so hard I had to pay to get back in. My manager pushed me back into the ring, and this other bloke hit me again, well that made me so angry I lost my temper along with my two front teeth and a pint of blood, I proceeded to hit his fist as hard as could with my face, and at the end I was so glad I did'nt have to walk back to the dressing room.

Sean: What was your record?

PJ: Ten fights, lost two, chickened out of eight.

PJ: "Look, the studio has decided they want a bigger audience for this film, so we're aiming for a U certificate. Rather than all this stabbing and violence, we thought we'd have a nice, domesticated spider, and this will be The Farm of Cirith Ungol. You'll be milking Shelob instead. Like this. Whaddya reckon?"

PJ's getting carried away again...
 

PJ: "I think it'd be cool if we went kind've Jackie Chan with this spider-battling scene, maybe strike one of his poses - something like this? In fact, it probably wouldn't hurt you to throw in a bit of a Chinese accent - if you think you can."

Sean: "You're a nut."

PJ: Have you seen the NEWs?

http://www.tuckborough.net/images/barrowwighthowe.jpg

Barrow Wight: Please help me! I need a shave!

Frodo: :eek:

OR

B-W: Psst! Want some cheap DVDs?

OR yet!

Frodo: Sorry, Lobelia! You still can't have Bag End! I don't care if you've gone on a shaving strike.

BW: Or maybe a Rolex?

or

BW: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees!

B-W: Listen to me little boy! I do not want to buy a magazine subscription to help out your school, now go away!