Instead of telling the Hobbit Children a simple story, Bilbo sings them an opera..."Figuero! Figuero!"

Unknown to Bilbo, everyone behind him was a Wolf plotting to attack him that Night.

Despite his brushes with wolves and dragons, Bilbo's scariest stories involved arthritis and false teeth.

or

"My Arkenstone was beautiful; it was this big!"

Bilbo sat on a splinter.

OR

Bilbo: What have I got in my pocket?

Bilbo's Tommy Cooper impersonation was lost on the little Hobbits, who were too young to understand.

Bilbo: Watch me at the speech! I'll disappear... Just like that!

Bilbo: And then I ate this huge taco!
Hobbit children: How big was it Bilbo?
Bilbo: This big!

Bilbo's impersonation of Ozzy in his show amused the young hobbits. It was perfect!

OR

Bilbo: What am I suppossed to do with you then? When they asked me what I wanted for present, I said "You're young, you'll think of something" not "your young, you'll think of something"!

(look at the boy in front, the left one of the two with their heads turned a bit. Is it a young Frodo I see? :))

Bilbo: "I ended up with just this tiny ring, but the fish that got away was this big. "

Bilbo: I mean it! This arthritis it really bad! Someone call a doctor! Don't just sit there giggling! I need medical attention!

Children: :D

The Hobbit children stare on in confusion as Bilbo goes on about "huge tracks of land."

Bilbo fails his Santa audition when he accidentally drops the Hobbit child on the ground.

The hobbit children were mesmerised .... not by the story but by the tantalising selection of food on the table behind him.... when would the old buffer shut up and let them eat?

Bilbo discovers which hobbit has stolen the Ring:

'Fatty Bolger! I thought I recognised that A***!'

Bilbo just can't get the children's attention off of the hobbit drinking the whole barrel of punch.

Bilbo had placed him self strategic wrong, when he tried to convince the children that all the foot had been eaten.

Bilbo: Okay, we've been at this all day without getting anywhere. N tell me how do I get from Munchkinland back to Hobbiton quick and simple?

OR

Bilbo has flashbacks of the Mirkwood spiders during an unopprotune moment.

OR

Bilbo: Haha, very funny. Now which one of you little squirts has my pocket watch?

Alright now children - if everybody grabs a finger and pulls them all at the same time we'll show Gandalf some real fireworks! :p

Bilbo: "Now, Frodo...What? You're not Frodo?... Are you Frodo? BLAST Which of you is Frodo! You all look the same!"

OR

Bilbo can't believe that the hobbit children are more interested in the piece of pottery sitting beside him then they are in him.

Bilbo: Look, for the last time, I don't have your money! Can you come back on Monday?

OR

The Hobbit Children sit patiently as mad Baggins goes on about inn-sewer-ants.

(Go Pratchet!)

It was a rousing game of "Who Can Entertain the Children." And so far, the porcelain mug seemed to be winning.

OR

The children loved watching Uncle Bilbo do "The Robot," especially when his back gave out on him in the process.

Bilbo: Don't you understand the words coming out of my mouth?!!

Bilbo, "But...I like you all...you remind me of myself when I was young and stupid...now will you just go away? And quit pouring water into my rain guage at night!

Bilbo accidentally says there is no Father Christmas! :eek:

OR

Bilbo: Have any of you seen a little gold ring? I'm sure I put it somewhere around here.

Bilbo: Whatsa matter you?
Children: Hey!
Bilbo: Gotta no respect.
Children: Hey!
etc...

Bilbo: "Can you hear me now?"

OR

Bilbo: "I am Chuck Norris! I will fight you!"

Bilbo: I lost my scrapbook full of pictures! Why it was just right here. It had all sorts of snapshots from my journey.

Hobbit Child: Is this it Uncle Bilbo?

Bilbo: Woo, a new pic! Hey, how'd that one get in there?

http://www.tlotr.com/film_pictures/c...trextended.jpg

This is what happens when Pippin has had too many drinks...

Pippin: Ol' Bilbo Baggins had a farm, ee-ii-ee-ii-ooo. And on that farm he had a pig, ee-ii-ee-ii-ooo. With an oink, oink here, oink, oink, there, here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink oink. Ol' Bilbo had a farm, ee-ii-ee-ii-ooo.

Pippin: Sam stepped in what?! HAHA!

or

Merry drops a brick on Pippin's toe.

Bilbo pic
 

For those of you who've seen a lot of Family Guy...

Bilbo: "So there I was. Surrounded by three monstrous trolls! And they were all arguing about how they were going to – Uh-oh.” :eek:

-OR-

Poor Uncle Bilbo wet himself at the sight of one of those monsters from The Village. (see right side)

Pippin: It's time to look sooooo good (in scarves!).

Merry: Have you ever sang that song with a "wedgish" accent?

Pippin: Uh .. a what?

... ripping sound ...

Pippin: AAAHHHHHHH !!!!

It's all fun and games at the Green Dragon until a badly drunk Pippin drapes a boa constrictor around his neck.

Merry and Pippin were the last two contestants in the Paul Lynde look-alike contest.

M&P thought that Gimli's singing was a riot.

Pippin seems to have sat on a spike. Merry thinks its amusing.

OR

The returning champions of the fly catching contest set about defending their title.

Pippen, "Alright!!! We just won an all-expense paid trip to...where was that place Merry?"

Merry, "uh...I don't know...Mordo...Moron...Mordor or somewhere...who cares, we're goin, man!

Pippen, "Yeah! Do ya think the motel has a full buffet for breakfast?"

Merry's ventriloquism dummy was a big hit at parties.


OR


Merry didn't realize that Pippin WASN'T joking about the approaching giant spiders until it was too late. Why, oh why did Bilbo let Frodo keep Shelob in the basement?

Dude! Where is your Ring?
 

M. What does mine say?
P. Cool! And what does mine say?
M. Sweet! And what does mine say?
P. Cool! And what does mine say?
M. Sweet! And what... etc

A well-placed pinch from Merry helps Pippin hit that high C he's always wanted.

For the Bilbo pic:

B: There I was at the mercy of three monstrous...is he looking? Please, you've got to help me! I'm being held captive in my own hole by a mad naked Wizard!

Or...

B: Whaat? Whaaat? You not put mushroomps in zoup? Why you not put mushroomps in zoup? I ask-a you to put mushroomps in zoup, you not put mushroomps in zoup. What, you zink all I do all day is put mushroomps in zoup?

Or...

Bilbo: Doesn't anyone here speak a word of Westron?!?

Child: Klaatu Barada Niktau.

Children: *giggle*

Or...

B: And then they Sent me to Mordor! I ask you, is that fair?

Or...

Bilbo the Conductor gets increasingly frustrated with his musicians.

Or...

Bilbo the Evil Sorcerer calls from the ground his Army of Death!

Or...

Bilbo the Mime pretends to lift a cauldron of beer to his lips!

Or (to play off Hooky)...
B: Yes yes, I'll have your money, just give me a few days! What? My...my table of food? But...but...take anything, just not my table of food!

Or...

B: Nothing up my sleeve...

Or...

B: A little shake, a few magic words, lalla ralla balla bam!! Your penny is gone!
Small child: I want my penny! MOMMIE! HE STOLE MY PENNY!

Or...

B: I'm telling you, they don't make 'em like that anymore!

Or...

B: Okay, here's what you do...go to the fireworks cart, find the biggest firework, and meet me outside the party grounds at oh, ninteen hundred.

Or...

B: I'm making you guys the deal of a lifetime! For a limited time, you can get *two* Rings of Power for the price of one, with free shipping! As seen on Palantiri!

Or...

B: I tell you what I want in a woman, I want a stomach this big!

Or...maybe I should stop.