The three cruel "high-society-types" make cruel fun of the bones-of-the-earth Sam.

Or...

Sam: Hyup, got mah garden mulched, but tha pony must've been sick or somethin' cuz WHOOOEEEEE!

Or...

Pippin: Hey, I think he's turning into a Werewolf...

Or...

Pippin: Hey, wait a minute...didn't you have a mole on your nose?

Or...

Pippin: Hey, it's not polite to hold a conversation with your hands in your pockets!

So the hobbits are planning an intervention.

Sam: "Remember that time when Frodo went dancing & forgot his belt!? That was hilarious!"

Frodo: "Uh, no. Let's not talk about that."

The Hobbits do their best "Simplicity Sewing Patterns # 134 - Waistcoats and Pants Set" poses.

The Hobbits discuss how to best frighten their new governess.
 

Sam: "I think we should put a frog in her pocket."

All: "Yeah!"

Pippin: "You know, for once you had a brilliant idea, Sam!"

ever had this happen to you?
 

Here we witness the monthly meeting of the Dieting Support Group Club:

Frodo: "Well, lets compare our results, shall we? After two months of strict dieting I lost five pounds." (*insert polite clapping)

Merry: "I lost six (*insert slightly louder polite clapping). How many did you lose, Pip?"

Pippin: "Four." (*insert subdued polite clapping)

Frodo: "Well, Sam? You look rather pleased with yourself. How many did you lose?"

Sam: "I ate bacon, sausages, steaks, & whatever else I wanted to for two months and lost ten! Guess you guys lost out..." (*insert a smug face from Sam & threatening faces from the others)

Frodo: Hey look, a new pic....

http://img-nex.theonering.net/images/scrapbook/9578.jpg

Gollum: Why shouldn't we eatsss you precious, eh? You're good sourcesss of protien.

Frodo: I think I'm going to be sick.

city creature
 

Gollum: "Cow pies? What's cow pies, precious, eh, what's cow pies?"

Frodo: "Dude, put it down, you're making me sick."

Gollum: My precious? No, it’s not the same.

OR

Frodo: its almost as bad as watching Gandalf eating. And he does it uncloaked!

There were never any doubt of the outcome of the wrestling mach between Gollum and the worm; This was clearly displayed in the attendance number.

Gollum: "Hello...has Fat Hobbit lost his dentures again?"

Gollum and the worm got into a "heated" disscussion.

or

Gollum and the worm were having an intense staring competition.

or

Gollum: HA!! That supid Baginsss played a trick on us by asking us what it gots in its poketss. But not this time preciousss. This time it's our turn.

Gollum: I wonder if I could snort this up my nose and then make it come out my mouth? Or maybe my ear?

Gollum broke his monocle. :(

After his role int he WW examination Gollum wonders if he found micro elf DNA.

Gollum is worried about the latest pandemic: Worm flue. *groan*

OR

This is all Gollum had left after his game of poker with Sam.

Frodo: I did warn you.

Gollum: A balrog doesn't have wings sillies

or...

Tribute to Gurthang

Frodo: We're lost again.

Gollum: Go East you say?...Yes, wormses, it'ss stupid mapquest!

While taking a break for lunch at the Dead Marshes branch of Greggs, Gollum is puzzled to find a strand of real meat in his steak pasty. Frodo only has gravy in his and feels jealous.



OR



Gollum: "Massster! Dirty Wraiths! The fell beast pooped and the wraith did not scoop!"

Gollum: I hold in my hand the key to our victory against Sauron. Will you aid us or thwart us? Choose swiftly!

Frodo: Groan...

Frodo sees what fate awaits him and still is tempted by the Ring.

OR:

Frodo: "Don't you want fries with that, Gollem?"

OR:

Gollem: "Alas, poor Deagol, I knew him well."

Gollum... the Archealogist.

OR

Frodo watched as Gollum not only tamed the no-doubt vicious worm, but taught it to balance upright atop of his very nose!

Gollum: "This is an earthworm of Mordor!"

Can't blame Gollum for being mad this time...
 

Frodo smelled a fight brewing when Gollum found his platinum limited edition Keira Knightly action figure...burnt to a crisp, courtesy of a vengeful Master Samwise.

Frodo: Gollum, there's some lovely filth down here!

Frodo: Augh! It's Grima's tongue! :eek:

Gollum: Good, good, this hook here, that bone there... where did that oliphaunt tusk go... m-mm... good, good...
Frodo: What are you doing, Smeagol?
Gollum: We are arranging archeological evidence, my precious, ain't we?
Frodo: What?
Gollum: Yes, yes my precious, they'll dig it up after many many years and they'll say, Homo Gollumus lived here, yes.
Frodo: Ah, I see. But they'll call it Homo Floresiensis.
Gollum: Why?
Frodo: Because you've arranged these bones in the form of a sunflower.
Gollum: What, did we? Ah, good, good, that is even better, we likes it. Good, this worm to the left, that bone there...

The talk about bad school lunches wasn't groundless after all...

(An idea from SamwiseGamgee's caption.)
 

Gollum: I found it! The One Ring-worm to Rule Them All!

A rehabilitated Gollum goes fishing...

A disgusted Frodo watches as Gollum, dedicated epidemiologist-to-be, takes time during his travels to study various parasitic specimens of interest and enlightenment. I mean, really, how often can would one be able to find such a rich supply of orc droppings to examine?!

(sorry, I work in a medical lab! :D )

Gollum: So you infected my computer!

Frodo: No, a worm virus! Not a worm!

OR

Gollum was sure that if he kissed the worm it would turn into a princess and give him lots of gold.

Frodo waits to tell him that it only works with frogs and toads.

Gollum: I'm going to have to push you for an answer. Did you or did you not see a Ringwraith pass this way?

*Silence*

Gollum: It's a yes or no answer. Come on.

Frodo: You're not Paxman, Gollum.

Gollum is about to eat a jelly worm he has found on the floor.

Frodo: "Don't eat that! You don't know where it's been!"
Gollum: "sssss, I'll eat what I like, you're not my mother."


OR


Gollum is horrified to find a particularly thick Hobbit hair in his pizza.

Smeagol and Gollum play a little "Good cop/ Bad cop" with an offending worm.

OR

Gollum: Whatss that Lasssssie? Fat hobbitsie is going to turn on us! Well no if we turn on fat hobbit first... Yessss...
Fordo: Um... I'll just pretend like I didn't hear that.

OR

Frodo: Smeagol is a parsel mouth!

PJ decides Tolkien's text needs updating for a contemporary audience. 'The cold hard lands, they bites our hands' is out in favour of a more catchy lyric:

Gollum (sings):
"Nobody likes me,
Everybody hates me,
Guess I'll go eat worms,

Long, thin, slimy ones,
Short, fat, juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms.

Down goes the first one,
Down goes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.

Up comes the first one,
Up comes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm."

Gollum thought that the worm was dead. That was until it suddenly lunged for his eye!

OR

Frodo: "I can't believe that was in his ear!"

OR

Frodo can hardly hold his laughter as Gollum searches for the Nutritional Facts on this worm.

OR

Sam has been turned into a worm.
Gollum: "So, what does we think of Stinker now, Fat Hobbit."

Gollum explains his religious beliefs to Frodo during a break in their journey to the Black Gate... through Aquabat lyrics!

-Where does dirt come from?
-Dirt comes from: The Worms.
-Wow! Awesome!

There is a chipmunk
At the center of the earth
And in his big oven
He bakes his own desserts
He warms the ocean
And from that, life springs forth
Little organisms building trash around the clock

Compost heaps
Or melting pots
For Farmer John's
Smoked Sausage stocks

Worms make the dirt
And the dirt makes the earth
And all of the roots have a place to sleep now
All the chanuks have squash to eat now
Worms make the dirt
And the dirt makes the earth
And people hold hands and feel terrific
Food comes from dirt
It's scientific

Yeah! Wow!
There's so much to learn!

The Sun came from a cave
And it made the clouds go by
(Hi!)
The clouds had a conference
And rain fell from the sky
(Wow!)
Worms got thirsty
From eating too much dirt
(Yeah!)
They came up through the ground
And got eaten by the birds
(Huh?)
Some worms escaped
With their lives
(Oh boy!)
They excreted soil
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Worms make the dirt
And the dirt makes the earth
And all of the roots have a place to sleep now
All the chanuks have squash to eat now
Worms make the dirt
And the dirt makes the earth
And people hold hands and feel terrific
Food comes from dirt
It's scientific

THE MIRACLE OF LIFE IS AWESOME!
AWESOME!

There has been a murder in the village, but what kind of creature has done it? It could've been a viscous oversized mutt for all the villagers know, so what do they do? They turn to villager Gollum, of course, who's occupation just happens to be Suspicious Feces Examiner...

Gollum: "Sniff, sniff. Yeerrkk, bleck. Definitly a werewolf; probably three of them. We'd better get busy..."

Gollum: Forth, wormorlingas!

Frodo: *Groan*

OR

Gollum: Is this a worm I see before me?

Frodo: He's doing Shakespeare again.

Sam: What is it this time?

Frodo: Mac Beth.

Sam: OH! Get him to do Richard III! I love that one!

Gollum the Health & Safety Officer calls a sudden halt to any more questing.

"All Hobbitses must go home to Hobbiton and get some sturdy bootses on. Gollum has found nassty rusty nailses so he has. Masster cannot go any further. I will not allow it."