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In the Shire there lived a curious hobbit called Esmerelda of Bucklebury. Hobbits for miles loved to eat the brand new purple mushroom casserole Which she made with a dark green substance she grew in the secret cellar under the smelly cowshed. Sometimes, she even made four large trolls eat the plums that were old and moldy and covered in a fluffy multicoloured mashed mouse mousse. But Uncle Bilbo knew something shocking about the secret which was that it also contained some 'special' meat.

Therefore, she decided to make a soylent green roast which smelled like a putrid, oozing duck, that was served at Rivendell thirtythree years ago, as Gollum ate something else entirely. Smeagol ate Deagol and then he burped very loudly in his grandmother's face and then declared "You're next Preciouss."

When Esmeralda heard the unfortunate bit of bad news she decided to ask Bilbo to give her advice on Insurance Claims for poisoning customers.

But the Precious decided that it was best to go to Bagend and claim for itself Esmeralda's delicious pie which happened to be Uncle Bilbo's secret secret which everyone knew about. So it apparently involved Arwen, Legolas, and a mob of scary-looking zombie hobbit children that all planned to dance all over Bilbo's face, which made passers-by drink zombie blood and then go and eat some lembas with unfounded glee.

Despite all this, it was clear that not even Sauron's bad breath could prevent Bilbo from releasing the horror upon the unsuspecting folk of Mirkwood vampire spiders which happened to bite Legolas Greenleaf in his buttocks which was distressing because he then required Gimli to use a special and very painful method, in order to cleanse and drink Esmeralda's remedy which was made on Tuesday night.

This caused there to be some sudden changes in this absurd story which Bilbo was trying to translate into every language, publish in Playboy, and send to Mr Peter Jackson.

A rift in the space-time continuum opened near Esmeralda's kitchen as she ate
all the cookies made from Bob marley's garden of strange Weed. The continuum spun in many colors and teleported Esmerelda to her toilet and then Rivendell, where she could get fat on the wonderful foods cooked in lard and dipped in fried beef stew, which had large chunks of slime as well as many smaller ones. Elrond's gourmet chef decided to see his mad doctor to find out what psychopath meant to try and cure Smeagol's cousin of his dangerous dead body syndrome that was caused by being eaten by a giant pile of animated zombie hobbit protoplasm called Smeagol/Gollum.

Deagol never did get over dying, but instead he took to lying, and to prying, and getting reanimated by an unwilling angry, Half-orc under Saruman's direction, and Deagol turned his nose up to smell the Socks of Saruman dangling from the clothesline of Orthanc.

These socks were no longer white, which Gandalf saw when stealing them, leaving rainbow replacements, which he hoped would match Saruman's pretty new robes donated by Dulux and smelling of bad breath and rotten cheesy beans. This nauseated Wormtongue, so he bought some flowery airspray from the Gap of Rohan boutique owned by Shirkingbad, Malingerer of Meduseld, keeper of the Bent Sword, Illforged. Illforge was a Follywood plastic prop with keen edge and rubber handgrip, boasting seven kills by toxic poisoning using Esmeralda's recipes on the blade, all of which had a minty aftertaste if you eat the dead without any seasoning, which of course only orcs do.

But then again, so do trolls. And so Wormtongue gave Saruman odoureaters, but Saruman wasn't interested in smelling like a wonderful elven toilet seat, which feels very comfy on the really weary rangers' coarse hairy skin and the Elves' not very coarse cheeks and chins, and of course their soft posteriors, which were very much behind them. And they really couldn't see them for much longer than a second before their friends burst out laughing, which made them quickly cover up what had been a very embarrassing moment of movement.

(It) Now turned into the U-bend, which really did bend the U-turn. Saruman by now, had seen all the Uruk-hai do the tango in floral dresses on the battlefield, so he was slightly concerned, but really he was stricken with sadness and bowel complaints, which he never dealt with properly. But otherwise, he wasn't very normal.

(The) illness which he hoped would soon disappear, but he realized that he had yet to cut his nails and tie his pink glittering shoelaces, which were very long and fluffy, even though they, burned by chemicals, did turn red. His boots though, they were quite heavy for someone his size, but he loved them crushing Wormtongue's fingers, especially when it made him squirm like a worm dipped in chocolaty paste made of nutty almonds, and very funny tasting hot sauce.

Wormtongue would scream at Gothmog because he wanted to eat real chocolate, and then go clean Saruman's boots. But that was just too hard, because they were made of uncleanable and very tasty bubble-gum flavored ectoplasm from Gonder, called Chewin Chewinbar colored neon orange, and disliked by the many people who happened to be named "Egbert", and wanted to see something new in this story. Something exciting and full of death and decay, along with some less exciting bowls of cereal and marshmellows, with honey from melted Sugar Puffs taken from a box on Beorn's living room couch.

He wasn't happy, and Bared himself; was upset too, because he was hoping someone would eat all the fried rice and boiled mice rice before it all turned into a Great Green fuzzy teddy bear named "Prickly Pin Pricker" made of cactus, he jumped up and saw a wizard with (a) wobbly hat named George, the color of Saruman's magical cloak, which is bluish with frilly trim and crocheted lace, stained with food and very noxious, but it wasn't as brightly colored as the cloak that belonged to someone named Steve. Stealing Steve was very interested in other people rings, especially ones which had diamond settings, surrounded by plastic bands and casings made of tinsel that tinkled and crinkled when squeezed, smelled really badly, and didn't shine like the Great-Great Grandfather Hotel in Gondor.

The wind blew away Saruman's socks, so Wormtongue panicked and ate some magic mushroom soup, which made him act rather badly, and allergic reactions made him puke with nasty green orc-like slime and bits of very brightly colored patches and stitches he swallowed earlier while eating with lots of gusto, and then he gurgled and died a horrible death.

Now this didn't stop him moving towards his goal of becoming the very best dead and dancin' entertainer in all of all Eru's creation. Worm-ridden Wormtongue picked up a finger he'd dropped on his way to be dewormed and tried to pick his nose with the severed Finger of Mucus, but decided that 'snotta good idea and instead went beserk with his little pink hands all over Saruman's newly washed robes, leaving oozy fingerprints that looked rather strange and wobbly, like jellied eels. And Saruman's socks also got dirty once again.

Burning more calories than usual, Saruman ran away from kitchens into Treebeard's bark, yelling for his axe and chainsaw, but Treebeard picked up his trusty toothbrush and started scrubbing Saruman's coat with tree sap. Saruman didn't like sticky gum trees all over his new Orophin's Diary, making him cry his eyes out.

Poor little Saruman used his socks to wipe away the remains of humanity, and its lasagna made of the best cheese ever with some olive green paint topping and started to wash his socks made out of sparkling orange silk.

Meanwhile, in Mordor, Sauron was eating an Half-Orc stuffed with spinach, and very disgustingly belched and burped into Khamul's face, which was already full of decayed bits of bread and spider droppings, which were very soft and crunchy. (Not to mention, poisonous as venom, and sweet as poisoned spider droppings.) However, the spider was very mad and had decided that Ulmo was to dance and hop around like a Bombadil doll in an orange vest and Longjohns, with bright pink laces and boots.

Meanwhile, in Harad, lots of sand was being kicked by Oluphaunts ballet watched by some other dancing Oliphaunts clad in frilly pink canvas tents, which sang horribly.

Meanwhile, in Mordor, a host of hungry hobbits were eating dead orcs spiced with Rosemary and her sister, Thyme. Then they saw Wine and Thyme said she wanted a timely halt to proceedings of hungry hobbits who like to party a lot, especially because they are really strange-looking when exploding marshmallows in the back of their big white van.

Smeagol's sushi restaurant was named very hastily by Quickbeam, "Tasssssty Fasssst Fissh'sss," and later dubbed by Gondorian health authorities who had recently crushed a very brightly coloured beetle under their plate of sushi (at Smeagol's Restaurant) when they found out it had never met anyone flat-hunting before. It ran up Smeagol's arm and got mightily burned. Then the health officials from Gondor crushed it again.

"Why would they eat Smeagol if [he] just farted in the restaurant?"

The sound of which was too much for the delicate ears of inspectors which happened to be Vanyar elves that traveled to the sound of Umbar by van to meet Variagas in various vans travel sponsored by OneWrong.com.

Meanwhile, the Wainriders were eating breakfast at midnight, whilst Burlyman served [champagne] in a golden cup of Kings. The Wainriders had drunk hundreds of thimbles full of finest brewed Warg's "Bad Breath Beer" when they realised that cups are mere metaphysical representations of bigger thimbles.

This realization shocked