Unfortunately, it could be eaten by the Dragon.

fortunately, an elf with a primitive kind of bazooka took care of the dragon.

Unfortunately, a Dwarf with an actual Bazooka came by and took care of the elf

Fortunately, the elf had the rare ability to come back instantly from Mandos and he cut the dwarf up to size

Unfortunately for the elf, Aule got sick of only elves getting
second, third, etc. chances so Aule got Eru to allow the dead dwarf to come back and use a great peanut butter burger bazooka to get the elf.

Fortunately, the mutant trolls clubbed the dwarf to death.

Unfortunately, Bob the Troll clubbed them first.

Fortunately, Bob didn't have a peanut butter burger and thus couldn't hurt them.

Unfortunately, Bob's cousin Roy had one such item in his possession and was happy to lend it to him.

Fortunaly, Roy was a troll who liked pranks and in reality gave Bob a walnut burger.

Unfortunately, Bob was allergic to walnut burgers.

Fortunaly, the mutant trolls got tired for they had not been talked about for a while left ME for ever.

Unfortunately, Bob and Roy did not leave.

Fortunaly, the reason why they didnt leave was because they both had died fighting hobbits.

Unfortunately, all the hobbits were now dead.

Fortunately, they all had a proper funeral at least.

Unfortunately, Ted Sandyman showed up and annoyed everyone.

Fortunaly, he also had a proper funeral soon after.

Unfortunately, there was a lack of wood in ME due to half orc half woodpeckers, that there could be no coffin

Fortunately, the nearby dwarven coffinsmiths were able to make stone coffins for the hobbits just in time for their funerals.

Unfortunately, the stone used in the coffins contained a lot of strange radioactive minerals that caused the dead to rise up as flesh-eating zombies.

Fortunately, Were-Feanor came by and agreed to help slay all these Zombies for a warehouse of doggy-treats and a good stratch behind the ear

Unfortunaly, nobody except Ted Sandyman had the guts to scratch Were-Feanor, but Ted Sandyman was busy searching for brains at the moment, so no agreement.

Fortunately as the Zombies rose up and began to attack, Tom Bombadil (who is OBVIOUSLY Eru in disguise) came around and smited/smote them all while singing about how the orks would send everyone running and smoking pipe-weed.

Unfortunately, the Orcs did come and sent everybody running and smoking pipe-weed.

Fortunately, everyone could use the exercise.

Unfortunately they all got cramps from lack of exercise

Fortunately Gandalf made a great medicine that made all healthy again and made lots of money out of selling it

Unfortunaly, Gandalf soon ruled the world with the power of money.

Fortunately, Mount Zoom ran over him.

Unfortunately, Gandalf was a bit more resilient, causing Mount Zoom to be run over by him.

Fortunately, Eru came and said "Gandalf, I am ashamed. To fight against the conquering of the world only to conquer it yourself? I give you two options. You can surrender to me and restore the world to normal, or I can zap you with lightning until you die. Choose now."

Naturally, Gandalf chose to surrender.

Unfortunately, the universe imploded.

Fortunately, it returned to normal with only a few creases.

Unfortunately, those creases happened to be under the ocean, causing a massive tsunami to engulf all of Middle-Earth.

Fortunately (don't ask me how) Mount Zoom ran over the tsunami.

Unfortunately, in Soviet Russia, Tsunami ran over Mt. Zoom!!!!!

Fortunately, all the bad parts of Russia were washed away.

...and Middle-Earth lived on to see another day.

Unfortunately, that was after all the communists escaped, taking Comrade Faramir as the leader (Who wanted revenge for the King's usurpation of the throne of Gondor), overthrew the capitalist pig Aragorn in a brief yet spectacular coup d'etat.

Viva la révolution!

Fortunately (for Capitalist Pig Aragorn) Comrade Faramir was run over by the hobbit-zombies who were running from the orcs, and Capitalist Pig Aragorn was restored to power.